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Newspaper Crap
First Released Howie
Singer Howie J. Reynolds

TranscriptEdit

This local newspaper, the Gainesville Sun, says it's pretty bad for small kids to play with loaded guns and shoot their cousins in the head even when they don't really mean it, but then in a different section of the same newspaper they run an ad advertising this big gun and knife show down at the Radisson Hotel. Kids ten and under admitted free. Bring your own cousin for target practice, instruction giving, proper stance, even trigger pressure, don't flinch and all that shit. Look, there are all kinds of crap in local newspapers, like these tips in the Independent Alligator, the college paper on health and human performance, like to protect yourself during oral sex use a dental dam or a condom split up the middle. So the next time my big chance came up I excused myself nicely and went in the bathroom to get ready and came back all set, my mouth full of vinyl and rubber and plastic and an utterly romantic expression on my face... and this really sweet young lady became sort of hysterical, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry or shreik or turn blind... or to blame herself for not listening to her roommate's advice, "I'm going out with me?", to start with. So I felt desperately rejected and deeply deeply frustrated because I grew this nice little beard and mustache back a couple of years ago and it takes a lot of work to keep it styled and the way life is going I'm never never ever going to use it as fully as nature intended.

AppearancesEdit

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